Today is January 16th. The day my precious 2nd son was born. The last 2 times his birthday came were different. His first birthday I was pregnant with Asher. Last year we had Asher and Grant and things were ok, better than ok. We were happy again. We could celebrate his birthday and the life he had with joy. Today is different. I am still incredibly thankful for the short life that was such a blessing to us. I am celebrating him. I am happy because I had him; but I also feel sadness. It is hard to separate the two because for one they have always been intertwined. At different times there might have been more of one than the other, but happiness and sadness were always together when it comes to Eli. For now there is sadness again. It feels like the scars of losing him have been ripped open. Losing this baby, Luke, was like losing Eli all over again.
I don't like writing a sad post on Eli's birthday. I would much rather like to tell you about how far we have come and how much his life made such a difference in ours. However I have to be honest about where I am at at the moment. I still feel sad and confused. I don't understand why I have to bury another son. I feel like there is a storm inside me and at times it feels like I am drowning. I struggle to just keep breathing. And then there is the calm, the times of happiness and I almost feel guilty for being happy. To be honest, there are more laughs than tears in our home. I am still blessed beyond my wildest dreams. I have two beautiful babies here that are the reasons I keep going. They are happy. They play and laugh and make us laugh. I am so thankful I have them. I really do try to focus on that. But, I can't help but feel like that's the text book answer. I feel like I am supposed to be perfect at this whole parenting thing. That because I lost a son, I am automatically more grateful and take nothing for granted. This couldn't be further from the truth. I feel so guilty for not being grateful for every moment when I was pregnant. When I was so sick everyday, so tired and unable to do anything that I normally do. I was not always grateful. I am still not always grateful for everything that my kids do. I have moments where they make me angry, and times when I just want to be alone. I am not a perfect mother. Losing Eli and Luke and the others, did not make me a perfect parent. I don't have all the answers that I feel like I should. I still take my kids for granted. And I hate that.
We are so thankful that we have so many people around us that love us. We have had so many kind words, cards, hugs and prayers that we can't count them. For that I am so grateful. However when people come up to love on me and tell me how sorry they are, I feel like I have to make them feel better. I know that sounds strange, but I feel like I have to say that I'm ok, I have two kids at home that I'm so blessed to have. I do feel incredibly blessed to have them. But can I just say that for a moment, I AM NOT OK. I don't feel like I am fine. I don't feel like I want to be happy. I honestly want to crawl in bed and stay there forever.
This, of course is not an option. I have to keep going because of my family, and because I am called to do more than lay in bed and feel sorry for myself. For now it just feels better to say how I feel out loud. In no way am I trying to discourage anyone from talking to me about my babies, or about what happened. It actually makes me feel better when people acknowledge that something happened. It feels good when people let us know that we are loved and you are thinking of us. I don't mind talking about it, especially when I feel like I can help someone else.
This may all sound like a downer. Sorry for that. I wanted to write these things to possibly help someone else, and for my own sanity. It helps me to just pour out how I feel. I also want other people who are hurting to know that they are not alone. That what they feel is normal. I understand that sometimes just getting out of bed is an accomplishment. It is so comforting to me when I read a post that describes exactly how I'm feeling, so if this can help someone else then it was worth it.
So today we celebrated. We made a cake. We celebrate the life of Eli. I can't believe it's been 3 years. We will continue to celebrate Eli's birthday on this day forever. We will celebrate and wait for the day we join them in Heaven. We can celebrate that because of him we changed our lives and decided to serve the Lord with everything we have.
I choose to celebrate Eli's life on his birthday. I don't however want to celebrate his death. This is why I don't celebrate my own birthday. I want to bring this up because I know some of my friends and family don't understand it. For me, that day (my birthday) brings nothing but pain. Although Eli technically died the day after, my birthday was the day we lost him. I can't celebrate that. That date is just a painful reminder of the darkest day of my life. Every time I have to give that date for legal, paperwork, or identification purposes, I feel that pain. I re-live it. For this reason, I don't want cards or presents, or birthday cake. If you feel the need to do something for me, do a nice thing for someone else. Send someone who is sick a card. Pay for a random person's meal. Do something good in the name of Jesus and let me know about it. What a blessing it would be to me to know that because of my son, someone else heard about Jesus.
Thank you for reading this long and some what scatter-brained post. I am sure that one day I will feel normal again. I pray that I will be able to write with more clarity on the situation at some point. Maybe one day I will have all the answers. I think that probably won't happen this side of Heaven. I am not ok, but I am learning to live with it. Thank you for your patience and understanding. Especially my husband. Richie has been so amazing. He has been there for me and taken care of me. I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father who has never left me. He has given His own Son for me.
Eli, I love you and miss you so much. Thank you for what you taught me. I am so grateful that I am your mommy. Happy Birthday sweet boy.
January 3rd, 2014
Friday, January 3, 2014
I hate this. I can't believe I am even typing the words. We lost another baby. That is honestly something I never thought I would say again. I am in shock. I am broken. I am confused. There are so many questions. I am 17 weeks, so why now? So many things to talk about, but not now. I know that one day I will share more details of this nightmare, but for right now I have nothing much to say. I am still processing. I am sitting here in the hospital, broken, confused and angry. I have always been very open and honest about my grief for if nothing else than if it can help one person. I still feel that way. I feel like I will be able to help someone through this. But for now I just need to be angry and broken. I have so many questions, but there is one thing I know for sure. I am not lost. I am not forsaken. There is still a God who loves me, who died for me, and who now is taking care of more of my children than I am. I have 3 babies in Heaven. I look forward to the day that we will all be together again. I am hurt, I am confused, but my faith is not shaken.
I ask that right now please just be in prayer for our family. We don't need anything, and there is nothing anyone can do except pray. Mostly I ask for prayer for Grant. He is heartbroken. He doesn't understand why he has had to lose 2 babies. Thank God he was too young to remember the first miscarriage. He feels the same as we do, confused, hurt and angry. He is only 5 and really can't process all those emotions. I can't make sense of it myself, let alone a 5 year old. This month is going to be especially difficult for us. January holds a lot of pain already. Eli's birthday is just 2 weeks away. We need some time to hurt and grieve. I appreciate everyone's love and support, but just understand if we are not ourself for a while. Please understand if we don't want to go out much, or participate in "normal" functions. If I don't respond to your call, or text, or email, I am sorry. Just know that we love you all and we appreciate all of your kind words and prayers.
We will get through. I am comforted knowing that God is close to the broken hearted. We have two beautiful little miracles at home to be thankful for. They keep us going and give us a reason to go on.
Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."
Oh Lord, our spirits are crushed, thank you for always rescuing us.
I ask that right now please just be in prayer for our family. We don't need anything, and there is nothing anyone can do except pray. Mostly I ask for prayer for Grant. He is heartbroken. He doesn't understand why he has had to lose 2 babies. Thank God he was too young to remember the first miscarriage. He feels the same as we do, confused, hurt and angry. He is only 5 and really can't process all those emotions. I can't make sense of it myself, let alone a 5 year old. This month is going to be especially difficult for us. January holds a lot of pain already. Eli's birthday is just 2 weeks away. We need some time to hurt and grieve. I appreciate everyone's love and support, but just understand if we are not ourself for a while. Please understand if we don't want to go out much, or participate in "normal" functions. If I don't respond to your call, or text, or email, I am sorry. Just know that we love you all and we appreciate all of your kind words and prayers.
We will get through. I am comforted knowing that God is close to the broken hearted. We have two beautiful little miracles at home to be thankful for. They keep us going and give us a reason to go on.
Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."
Oh Lord, our spirits are crushed, thank you for always rescuing us.
The "undiagnosis"-God and Faith triumph
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Most of you know about Asher's diagnosis that rocked our world 12 months ago. He was diagnosed with Glutaric Acidemia type 1 almost exactly one year ago. On July 7th 2012 to be exact. Through a series of events which I will describe in a moment, today he was "undiagnosed"!! We went to his regularly scheduled doctor's visit with his geneticist and were shocked and amazed when she said "he does not have Glutaric Acidemia". First of all before anything else, I would like to say PRAISE GOD!! He is so good. I can't even begin to describe how good He is, and has been to us.
Now, how did this happen? About 4 months ago Asher had a skin biopsy to confirm his diagnosis. He had this because they tried to confirm it with a DNA test and it was normal. They had originally felt that even if the skin biopsy was normal, they would still be worried and have to look for a different disorder and would continue treating him for GA-1. This lead his Dr. to say that we could choose whether or not to do the skin biopsy, but it was minimally invasive and wouldn't change much as far as treatment. So, Richie and I decided that we didn't need to put him through anything else. Then at his next routine 3 month check-up she had changed her mind. After consulting with some more experts she wanted to proceed with the biopsy just to see if they needed to be looking for something else. They took his skin cells to see if they would produce the enzymes that he supposedly lacked. This particular test took 3 to 4 months to get results. I have to be honest and say that I was not particularly hopeful when he had this test done. The Dr. seemed like more than anything, she expected a confirmation. To me there was the fear of the unknown, and what if they had to put him through more tests to find something else. So when the Dr. came in the room first today (which usually we see a nurse, and then a dietician before she comes in) I was scared. I was expecting something bad. Then she says "I am so excited to tell you the good news, he does not have GA-1"!!
How did they get this wrong? Well without losing you in a bunch of medical mumbo jumbo that I don't understand myself, here is the short answer. Sometimes with other disorders they see what is called a "transient" case. Which I think basically means it was there but then it is gone and there isn't really an explanation. They haven't seen this in GA-1 because GA-1 is so rare anyway and they haven't documented any cases. They now have (including Asher) 5 kids in this scenario. That's it, 5 cases ever. There haven't been any publications on it, but now with this information and having 5 kids we hope to work with the doctors to get this information out there. Now with all of their medical explanations, or lack there of, said, I also have to say what I believe. GOD CAN DO ANYTHING! Could He have healed Asher, YES! This isn't something that just goes away. There is not a cure.
Was there a reason for this trial? Like every trial, I believe that yes absolutely. I don't know for sure God's plan for Asher, or His reason for anything, but what I do know is this; I have learned to trust the Lord in the past year especially, but also in the last 2 1/2, more than ever. We had to totally turn this over to God and trust Him to keep our baby safe. We had nothing else left to do. The doctors could not reassure us that even with all of the medical intervention that he would be ok. We had to fully rely on God in a way that we as humans often take for granted. We committed Asher's life to the Lord, knowing that God gave him to us for a reason. I know that he has a big bright future ahead. I have to say here that it was much easier for Richie than me. I always want to control things, and especially with my kids, I don't like not knowing that they are safe, or feeling that I am in control.
What's next? Well we have to slowly get him back to a regular diet. We have to make changes slowly and they will watch and see how he reacts. He is off all his medicine effective immediately!! We will take him off his special diet formula over the next few weeks. In a few months he should be on a normal diet. This alone is huge!! He will not have to count everything that he eats. He can eat dairy, meat etc. Most of all, the greatest relief is that we don't have to worry that he will get sick and have to be hospitalized or worse. He is normal!! However, it is not true, as daddy says, that he isn't special. Much to the contrary, he is so special. He changed our life, strengthened our faith, and taught us never to take anything for granted in this life. Everyday is a gift. And Richie, I am still going to baby him a little longer, even though he is a "normal" baby. Now I should say that they will monitor him to make sure it doesn't creep up again, or cause any more problems, but I don't see anything coming up. They ruled out the other 2 possible genetic disorders already.
This is one of the happiest days of my life. Of course the birth of all of my babies was a great blessing and incredibly joyful. I am so thankful for each of them. But with Asher, I was always just a little scared. After Eli died I didn't think I could face that again. Parents always worry about the safety of their children, but when you know what losing one feels like, that thought is always somewhere in the back of your mind. If I hadn't been able to give that fear to the Lord and trust Him to take care of all of us, I think it would have eaten me alive. Not only that, but we wouldn't have had Asher. We thought that after Eli died we couldn't go through that again, so it wasn't worth it to have another. How blessed we were that we gave that fear up, and trust in God. That's not to say it wasn't there, and it didn't creep up on me from time to time throughout my pregnancy and the last year. It definitely did. Each time God lead me through. Asher was and is his child. He is only given to us for a short time on this earth. And what a privilege it is to be his mother. The same goes for the other 2. I feel just as privileged to be their mother. Thank you Lord for this glorious and wonderful gift. All glory to God from whom all blessings come.
James 1:17
"Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow."2 years....
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Today my baby would be 2 years old. I want to celebrate his life and all it gave to us. In such a short time he changed so much in us. God completely changed the course of our lives through this little boy. We are both in ministry full time now. I work part time at church, and no longer work at school so that I could focus on my family and my ministry. We moved to the parsonage at church so we could be in the community and better serve the Lord here. We have dedicated our lives to the Lord. We don't always do a good job at remembering why it is we do what we do, but we strive to serve Him to the best of our abilities. This is the best way I can honor my son, to honor the Son that was given up for me. God freely gave up His son for me. I could never do the same. So by praising the Lord with my life I can make sure my son did not die in vain. My prayer for all who read this is that you see the Lord in my life, that you see a follower of Christ, not just a mother who lost a son. If my story stops there I have missed the point, missed the mark.
I hope to be more faithful with writing and updating you more on Asher's condition and on our family. Now that I have more time I should be able to do that. Thanks for those who are still sticking with me and reading.
Happy Birthday sweet boy. I know you are having the best birthday party ever in Heaven. Grant, your daddy and I miss you so much and we love you.
The answer we thought we wanted to find...
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Ever since Eli passed away I have wondered what really happened to him. We had autopsies done. We had a genetic evaluation. We had a second more specialized examination of his liver by a liver pathologist in London, England. We met with his pediatrician. No real answers. Eventually we became ok with the fact that we would never know what really happened to him. Aside from wanting closure for what happened, we had also wanted to know for our future. To know if any future children could be affected, or even Grant. We were told what happened to Eli was a random chance occurrence that would "most likely" not happen again. We were told that it was "most likely" not genetic. Up until this past Thursday I was comfortable with that thought. I was comfortable with the fact that we would never have the answer.
On Friday July 6th I got a phone call that will forever change my life. The last test that was done on Asher the 2nd time we were at the hospital came back. It was a test the geneticist (from the same office who did the evaluation on Eli) had sent off to Denver, Colorado. The only thing that we were told about the test at the time was that it was really obscure and it most likely wouldn't show anything. We weren't concerned about it at all. Every other test had come back fine, so we had no reason to believe that this one would be any different. But the voice on the other end of the phone that day was saying things to me that I couldn't even fathom at the time. She was telling me a test came back positive. That Asher had something called glutaric acidemia type 1. I couldn't even process it. I had her spell it. I wrote it down and asked the only questions I could come up with at the time. I got a very basic explanation of it at the time. The next few days were like a world wind of worry and tears.
Basically in a nutshell people with GA-1 have trouble breaking down proteins. The proteins can build up in their systems causing very harmful damage. We read a lot of scary stuff about it on the internet. We made a pretty much unnecessary trip to the hospital out of fear. Our world was turned upside down. It wasn't until this past Thursday that we actually had our appointment at the geneticist and got some answers. They told us they now know that this condition is what happened to Eli. This was absolutely the most terrifying news I have ever heard in my life. The thought that this could happen again is my worst nightmare. It wasn't all bad news though. I actually felt a lot better after we left our appointment. When we first heard the news that Friday I pretty much felt like it was a death sentence. This is not the case. I will try to give you as much detail as possible with out boring you with a bunch of medical terms.
It is a genetic condition caused by a recessive trait that both Richie and I are a carrier of. It is really rare for 2 people to get together that are a carrier for the same thing like this. What happened to Eli was the most extreme case. They have actually never seen it happen in utero. The bleeding in Eli's brain and the damage to his liver was already starting before he was born. Normally it takes much longer for the proteins to build up and cause any damage. Kids usually start showing signs by the time they are 3 months old. Then, it is so rare ( 1 in 100,000) that they don't figure out what it is until much later down the road, like when they are 1 or 2. By that point there can be much damage that is irreversible. However 10% of people who have it never even show ANY symptoms and don't find out until they have a sibling that has something happen.
Both Eli and Asher were screened for this at their newborn screen. That fact really shocked me. Why wasn't it found? Well I am told it is a very broad test that is designed to pick up any organic acid disorder. Some kids are what they call low excreters, which means they don't excrete enough of the glutaric acid to be picked up by the general test. The test that the Dr. ordered that found it was a test specific to this disorder. He had to know exactly what to look for. I can't tell you how thankful I am to him. If it wasn't for him finding it early Asher might have suffered much damage before it was found. It is a very good thing that we found it early. It is more manageable than I originally thought, and than it sounds. It is actually treated mostly with diet and vitamins. Asher is now on a combination of breast milk, regular formula and a very specialized formula just for his condition that is protein free. His diet will mostly, at least in his childhood, be protein free. This means no meat, dairy, rice, peanut butter, eggs, etc. He will have to have some protein to grow, so he will have very limited amounts of those things. That is why he still gets a little breast milk and regular formula now.
The biggest danger to him now is if he gets sick. This too is manageable, but we have to be very cautious and proactive. Kids with this condition can easily have a metabolic crisis if they are sick and aren't eating well. Therefore they have to be hospitalized to get fluids if they aren't eating well. We have a protocol sheet we take to the hospital outlining exactly what to do. It is during a metabolic crisis that the bad things can happen. Brain bleeds is the scariest. But with all that said, if we are on top of things, and treating it with his diet, the risk of those things happening goes way down.
His Dr. for this will be the geneticists. He will only see a pediatrician for vaccinations. There are no specialists in this because it is so rare.
If you are thinking wow this is a lot to take in, you are in the same boat as me. I don't know everything about it yet. I have to say I was, and still am overwhelmed by it all. I was completely devastated. I don't have all the answers. I have a lot more questions than answers right now. I don't have a clue what God's plan could be through all of this. I have went through many emotions during all this. Through all of the anger, pain and questions I have a few things that I cling to that get me through each day. First, I have learned that I have to take it one day at a time. Everyday I ask God to give me the strength to get through the day. Just 24 hours, that's it. When I look at the big picture, and the unknown future it is too much to handle and too scary. So I take it one day at a time and go from there. So far God hasn't let me down, and even on the really tough days, we have made it. Second, I know no matter what God won't leave us. He has been by our side all the way through everything we have been through. I know He loves us, and I trust Him. This hasn't always been easy, but it's all there is. If I didn't have that I couldn't make it through. Third, I am so thankful and happy to have my little boy. I will cherish every single moment with him, just as I have with my other sons. He is beautiful and fat and happy. He already weighs 10lbs and 12oz!!
I will update everyone more as we go. For right now we are just adjusting to our new normal. We are waiting for Asher's DNA test to come back. Hopefully they find which jean has the abnormality and then they can test other family members. It is unlikely that Grant would have it since he hasn't shown any symptoms, but they will test him just to see, and find out if he is a carrier. Our brothers and sisters will also have the option of getting tested.
On Friday July 6th I got a phone call that will forever change my life. The last test that was done on Asher the 2nd time we were at the hospital came back. It was a test the geneticist (from the same office who did the evaluation on Eli) had sent off to Denver, Colorado. The only thing that we were told about the test at the time was that it was really obscure and it most likely wouldn't show anything. We weren't concerned about it at all. Every other test had come back fine, so we had no reason to believe that this one would be any different. But the voice on the other end of the phone that day was saying things to me that I couldn't even fathom at the time. She was telling me a test came back positive. That Asher had something called glutaric acidemia type 1. I couldn't even process it. I had her spell it. I wrote it down and asked the only questions I could come up with at the time. I got a very basic explanation of it at the time. The next few days were like a world wind of worry and tears.
Basically in a nutshell people with GA-1 have trouble breaking down proteins. The proteins can build up in their systems causing very harmful damage. We read a lot of scary stuff about it on the internet. We made a pretty much unnecessary trip to the hospital out of fear. Our world was turned upside down. It wasn't until this past Thursday that we actually had our appointment at the geneticist and got some answers. They told us they now know that this condition is what happened to Eli. This was absolutely the most terrifying news I have ever heard in my life. The thought that this could happen again is my worst nightmare. It wasn't all bad news though. I actually felt a lot better after we left our appointment. When we first heard the news that Friday I pretty much felt like it was a death sentence. This is not the case. I will try to give you as much detail as possible with out boring you with a bunch of medical terms.
It is a genetic condition caused by a recessive trait that both Richie and I are a carrier of. It is really rare for 2 people to get together that are a carrier for the same thing like this. What happened to Eli was the most extreme case. They have actually never seen it happen in utero. The bleeding in Eli's brain and the damage to his liver was already starting before he was born. Normally it takes much longer for the proteins to build up and cause any damage. Kids usually start showing signs by the time they are 3 months old. Then, it is so rare ( 1 in 100,000) that they don't figure out what it is until much later down the road, like when they are 1 or 2. By that point there can be much damage that is irreversible. However 10% of people who have it never even show ANY symptoms and don't find out until they have a sibling that has something happen.
Both Eli and Asher were screened for this at their newborn screen. That fact really shocked me. Why wasn't it found? Well I am told it is a very broad test that is designed to pick up any organic acid disorder. Some kids are what they call low excreters, which means they don't excrete enough of the glutaric acid to be picked up by the general test. The test that the Dr. ordered that found it was a test specific to this disorder. He had to know exactly what to look for. I can't tell you how thankful I am to him. If it wasn't for him finding it early Asher might have suffered much damage before it was found. It is a very good thing that we found it early. It is more manageable than I originally thought, and than it sounds. It is actually treated mostly with diet and vitamins. Asher is now on a combination of breast milk, regular formula and a very specialized formula just for his condition that is protein free. His diet will mostly, at least in his childhood, be protein free. This means no meat, dairy, rice, peanut butter, eggs, etc. He will have to have some protein to grow, so he will have very limited amounts of those things. That is why he still gets a little breast milk and regular formula now.
The biggest danger to him now is if he gets sick. This too is manageable, but we have to be very cautious and proactive. Kids with this condition can easily have a metabolic crisis if they are sick and aren't eating well. Therefore they have to be hospitalized to get fluids if they aren't eating well. We have a protocol sheet we take to the hospital outlining exactly what to do. It is during a metabolic crisis that the bad things can happen. Brain bleeds is the scariest. But with all that said, if we are on top of things, and treating it with his diet, the risk of those things happening goes way down.
His Dr. for this will be the geneticists. He will only see a pediatrician for vaccinations. There are no specialists in this because it is so rare.
If you are thinking wow this is a lot to take in, you are in the same boat as me. I don't know everything about it yet. I have to say I was, and still am overwhelmed by it all. I was completely devastated. I don't have all the answers. I have a lot more questions than answers right now. I don't have a clue what God's plan could be through all of this. I have went through many emotions during all this. Through all of the anger, pain and questions I have a few things that I cling to that get me through each day. First, I have learned that I have to take it one day at a time. Everyday I ask God to give me the strength to get through the day. Just 24 hours, that's it. When I look at the big picture, and the unknown future it is too much to handle and too scary. So I take it one day at a time and go from there. So far God hasn't let me down, and even on the really tough days, we have made it. Second, I know no matter what God won't leave us. He has been by our side all the way through everything we have been through. I know He loves us, and I trust Him. This hasn't always been easy, but it's all there is. If I didn't have that I couldn't make it through. Third, I am so thankful and happy to have my little boy. I will cherish every single moment with him, just as I have with my other sons. He is beautiful and fat and happy. He already weighs 10lbs and 12oz!!
I will update everyone more as we go. For right now we are just adjusting to our new normal. We are waiting for Asher's DNA test to come back. Hopefully they find which jean has the abnormality and then they can test other family members. It is unlikely that Grant would have it since he hasn't shown any symptoms, but they will test him just to see, and find out if he is a carrier. Our brothers and sisters will also have the option of getting tested.
I don't always have the best insights, but the goal here is just to share my heart and be honest. Also I believe in the power of prayer. If you would, please pray for Asher. I have faith that he is going to be just fine. Richie and I also need prayer for strength and faith. As always thanks again for reading and caring about our family. Thanks for supporting us.
From birth, to home, back to the hospital, and home again-the details.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Wow what a ride this week has been. I wanted to take a few moments to give those who might be interested all the details of the birth of baby Asher and the events that followed. We are so blessed and happy to have him in our lives. I am going to tell you now that I am sorry if my writing is not up to par. I am working on very little sleep :) Also sorry if this is too much detail for some.
Last Saturday I started feeling a little strange. I had a busy day, and felt very tired and rundown. We got home from the store about 6pm and I had been having contractions on the way home. This was not unusual as I had several contractions most evenings. They continued longer than usual, so about 6:45 I started timing them, and I laid down to try and see if they would go away. They didn't. They were about 5 minutes apart for a few hours, and I finally gave in and called the doctor. Of course she said to come on to the hospital. So after Richie freaked out a little, we finished packing and headed to the hospital. Grant was already asleep so my brother Chase came to stay with him.
We got to the hospital about 11:30pm. My contractions were then about 3 minutes apart. They were not painful at that point. The doctor decided they would not be going away and we would be staying. Fast forward a few hours of constant monitor adjusting, an epidural, and not much sleep. At around 10am (I think) things really started getting painful and I knew it was time for Asher to arrive. He was face up, which I was terrified of since Eli was and almost didn't make it out. But he managed to turn himself around and come out fairly quickly. He was born at 10:32am. Shortly after we had Grant come in to meet him. Let me tell you there is nothing that will ever match that moment. It was love at first sight. Grant has been the perfect big brother. He loves Asher so much. He will just sit and hold him for an hour or more. He has been so helpful and so sweet.
It was such an emotional moment. I was so happy he was here, but also so scared at the same time. There is this part of you that wonders if you can let yourself love a baby the same way as before. I thought I might have a hard time giving myself to him the way I had to Grant and Eli because of my fear of losing him. As soon as I saw him I knew I already did. I loved him more than I ever thought I could. As soon as that set in so did the fear. The fear of what if. What if I lost him too? Could I go on? This fear has been looming in my mind for my entire pregnancy, but it was different to actually see him and feel the fear materialize into something very real. I think every parent worries that something could happen to their child. But to have your worst nightmare come true brings a very real fear because you know just how bad it can be. Despite these feelings, I also felt very blessed. It was such an incredible and happy time.
Things went pretty smoothly after that. We had many of our family and friends come to see us. Asher is a very content baby. Things seemed to be going great. We were discharged from the hospital Tuesday, but the doctor thought maybe he looked a little jaundice and his level was slightly elevated, so she wanted to check it again the next day. We had also already arranged to have an ultrasound of his brain at Kosair just for our peace of mind, so we had his jaundice level checked at the same time. We got home and a couple hours later the doctor called to say his jaundice level was up and he needed lights at home. Well I can't even describe the horror that came over me when she told me this. This was how things started with Eli, we went home one night and had the light bed at home. There was no way I could have that bed with the lights in my house again. I was totally hysterical and the doctor could hardly understand my ranting. She said since he wasn't eating as good as before and with our history she thought it really would be best if we went to Kosair and did the lights there and didn't have to worry; and we would know he was safe there. She really maybe just thought in case the crazy lady on the phone went off the deep end we would already be at a hospital. She was so understanding and sweet. She called ahead to the hospital and told them the situation. Also Richie's cousin Natalie is a doctor at Kosair so she knew the doctors we would have that night and informed them of the situation.
The car ride to the hospital and packing to go back there was one of the most terrifying and emotional times I have ever had. As soon as I hung up the phone with the doctor I ran upstairs to our room and dropped to my knees and begged God not to take him from me. I went through so many emotions and fears during that time. I felt angry with God that he would make us go through this again. Even if everything really was fine, why would we have to be put through this again? Why couldn't everything just be normal? I have said before on here, God is not threatened by our doubts. In fact I think when we come to Him with our honest emotions we can find answers and be truly blessed in a way we might not have been if we weren't honest with Him, or ourselves. After all, He already knows how we really feel anyway. He knows our heart. More on that lesson in a moment.
So, after we arrived to the hospital, the doctors came in and the first thing they said to us was, we just want you to know before we say anything else, the ultrasound of his brain was normal. The weight that was lifted off our shoulders at that moment is indescribable. We burst into tears of joy and thanksgiving. They still wanted to check everything and be completely thorough. They checked his liver, heart, kidneys and several other organs on ultrasound. They ran a slew of blood tests. He was under 2 lights and on a blanket for the jaundice. We saw a kidney, liver, and genetic specialist. I can't thank them enough for everything they did to make sure my baby was ok. Thank you Natalie for ensuring that it was all taken care of. All of the tests came back normal, his jaundice went down and we got to come home Friday.
We came home with a new sense of security. For the first time in 9 months I felt safe knowing he was going to be fine. I always trusted that God would take care of us. But I would be lying if I said I didn't have fears and doubts. I felt guilty for having them, but I couldn't shake the what ifs. So the lesson that I learned? Well there came a point when I knew Asher was fine, that I realized I would not have known if we hadn't been readmitted. I would have wondered, at least for a while, if not for his whole life, what if it's there and they missed it? What if he's not ok? But now because something that I thought was terrible, and the end of the world, we had peace. God knew all along that Asher was fine, but He was gracious enough to show us what we needed to calm our fears. He knew my doubts and my fears and He was not hindered by them. He still showed me that He was with me all along and He was taking care of all of us.
Things could not be better for us right now. We are all home together. We are adjusting to life as a family of 4. Grant is so happy. (He informed me today that we would be having 2 more babies. One boy and one girl. Haha). I feel so complete. This is full circle. Asher isn't the happy ending to a sad story. He is the new beginning of a family that will use the lessons we have learned to share the Lord with everyone we can. God is good. Never forget that He is with you. We are so thankful for the life He has given us.
Last Saturday I started feeling a little strange. I had a busy day, and felt very tired and rundown. We got home from the store about 6pm and I had been having contractions on the way home. This was not unusual as I had several contractions most evenings. They continued longer than usual, so about 6:45 I started timing them, and I laid down to try and see if they would go away. They didn't. They were about 5 minutes apart for a few hours, and I finally gave in and called the doctor. Of course she said to come on to the hospital. So after Richie freaked out a little, we finished packing and headed to the hospital. Grant was already asleep so my brother Chase came to stay with him.
We got to the hospital about 11:30pm. My contractions were then about 3 minutes apart. They were not painful at that point. The doctor decided they would not be going away and we would be staying. Fast forward a few hours of constant monitor adjusting, an epidural, and not much sleep. At around 10am (I think) things really started getting painful and I knew it was time for Asher to arrive. He was face up, which I was terrified of since Eli was and almost didn't make it out. But he managed to turn himself around and come out fairly quickly. He was born at 10:32am. Shortly after we had Grant come in to meet him. Let me tell you there is nothing that will ever match that moment. It was love at first sight. Grant has been the perfect big brother. He loves Asher so much. He will just sit and hold him for an hour or more. He has been so helpful and so sweet.
It was such an emotional moment. I was so happy he was here, but also so scared at the same time. There is this part of you that wonders if you can let yourself love a baby the same way as before. I thought I might have a hard time giving myself to him the way I had to Grant and Eli because of my fear of losing him. As soon as I saw him I knew I already did. I loved him more than I ever thought I could. As soon as that set in so did the fear. The fear of what if. What if I lost him too? Could I go on? This fear has been looming in my mind for my entire pregnancy, but it was different to actually see him and feel the fear materialize into something very real. I think every parent worries that something could happen to their child. But to have your worst nightmare come true brings a very real fear because you know just how bad it can be. Despite these feelings, I also felt very blessed. It was such an incredible and happy time.
Things went pretty smoothly after that. We had many of our family and friends come to see us. Asher is a very content baby. Things seemed to be going great. We were discharged from the hospital Tuesday, but the doctor thought maybe he looked a little jaundice and his level was slightly elevated, so she wanted to check it again the next day. We had also already arranged to have an ultrasound of his brain at Kosair just for our peace of mind, so we had his jaundice level checked at the same time. We got home and a couple hours later the doctor called to say his jaundice level was up and he needed lights at home. Well I can't even describe the horror that came over me when she told me this. This was how things started with Eli, we went home one night and had the light bed at home. There was no way I could have that bed with the lights in my house again. I was totally hysterical and the doctor could hardly understand my ranting. She said since he wasn't eating as good as before and with our history she thought it really would be best if we went to Kosair and did the lights there and didn't have to worry; and we would know he was safe there. She really maybe just thought in case the crazy lady on the phone went off the deep end we would already be at a hospital. She was so understanding and sweet. She called ahead to the hospital and told them the situation. Also Richie's cousin Natalie is a doctor at Kosair so she knew the doctors we would have that night and informed them of the situation.
The car ride to the hospital and packing to go back there was one of the most terrifying and emotional times I have ever had. As soon as I hung up the phone with the doctor I ran upstairs to our room and dropped to my knees and begged God not to take him from me. I went through so many emotions and fears during that time. I felt angry with God that he would make us go through this again. Even if everything really was fine, why would we have to be put through this again? Why couldn't everything just be normal? I have said before on here, God is not threatened by our doubts. In fact I think when we come to Him with our honest emotions we can find answers and be truly blessed in a way we might not have been if we weren't honest with Him, or ourselves. After all, He already knows how we really feel anyway. He knows our heart. More on that lesson in a moment.
So, after we arrived to the hospital, the doctors came in and the first thing they said to us was, we just want you to know before we say anything else, the ultrasound of his brain was normal. The weight that was lifted off our shoulders at that moment is indescribable. We burst into tears of joy and thanksgiving. They still wanted to check everything and be completely thorough. They checked his liver, heart, kidneys and several other organs on ultrasound. They ran a slew of blood tests. He was under 2 lights and on a blanket for the jaundice. We saw a kidney, liver, and genetic specialist. I can't thank them enough for everything they did to make sure my baby was ok. Thank you Natalie for ensuring that it was all taken care of. All of the tests came back normal, his jaundice went down and we got to come home Friday.
We came home with a new sense of security. For the first time in 9 months I felt safe knowing he was going to be fine. I always trusted that God would take care of us. But I would be lying if I said I didn't have fears and doubts. I felt guilty for having them, but I couldn't shake the what ifs. So the lesson that I learned? Well there came a point when I knew Asher was fine, that I realized I would not have known if we hadn't been readmitted. I would have wondered, at least for a while, if not for his whole life, what if it's there and they missed it? What if he's not ok? But now because something that I thought was terrible, and the end of the world, we had peace. God knew all along that Asher was fine, but He was gracious enough to show us what we needed to calm our fears. He knew my doubts and my fears and He was not hindered by them. He still showed me that He was with me all along and He was taking care of all of us.
Things could not be better for us right now. We are all home together. We are adjusting to life as a family of 4. Grant is so happy. (He informed me today that we would be having 2 more babies. One boy and one girl. Haha). I feel so complete. This is full circle. Asher isn't the happy ending to a sad story. He is the new beginning of a family that will use the lessons we have learned to share the Lord with everyone we can. God is good. Never forget that He is with you. We are so thankful for the life He has given us.
"Blessed"
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Writing this blog post has been on my mind for a couple weeks now. I just hadn't taken the time to write it. Then today God reminded me that I needed to write it. He seems to have a funny way of not letting me forget when there is something He wants me to share. So apparently there is someone out there who needs to hear it.
A couple weeks ago, I was getting out of my car at the preschool I work at 2 days a week, and one of my coworkers walked over to the car. This person is someone that I have "known", really more known of, or been acquainted with for several years. I don't really know her that well, but since I have worked at school we have had several conversations. Anyway, she came over because she said she felt like there was something that had been on her heart that she wanted to share with me. She said when she thought of me one word comes to mind. That word was "blessed". She didn't say too much more, just that she wanted me to know that and she thought I had an amazing family.
At first I have to admit I was a little bit taken back. I had to stop and think about it for a minute. And to be perfectly honest with you, I thought to myself, "does she know what I have been through, that's not something you typically say to a person who has lost their son." Then I thought about it more and I realized that wasn't what she meant, or what God was trying to say to me through her. For her to say that about me, she had to think that I thought of myself that way. There had to be something that was obvious to others that I was showing. I do think that I am blessed, but I wasn't sure that I always conveyed that to other people. So I began to realize that maybe being "blessed" has more to do with how you see yourself, and show that to other people, than the circumstances or things you have in your life.
I had been pondering that thought for a while and then I went to church this morning and low and behold what was the sermon about, "a blessed life". I didn't know before hand that that was the topic. I have been very busy lately with all the changes in children's ministry, and our new location that I have not actually been able to attend the church service since February 19th. I am not complaining about that at all, I was exactly where I needed to be, and got much more out of serving my kids. I say that just to say that I think it was not a coincidence that I ended up going to the service today. I just got things under control on the kids side and thought, well I will head down and catch about 10 minutes of the sermon and come back. So I did, and I learned more about what "a blessed life" really is. Here are a few of those things:
1) God wants to bless those who seek his blessings. Those who desire it. He wants to bless us.
2) A blessed life means to experience the favorable reaction of God to obedience. This means you are doing what God called you to do.
3)Therefore it is dependent on being focused on Christ. Focused on the future. Satan wants to get us away from God's favor. Satan's promises of fulfillment are only for today. There is no talk about tomorrow, and the consequences it might bring.
So what does all this mean to me? Well it means that I realize that being blessed is more about being focused on God than focused on my circumstances. Being blessed doesn't mean that you won't have bad circumstances. God sometimes has to use extreme measures to get our attention. Not that that's always the case in every bad situation. It doesn't mean that you will always have as much money as you will like. What it does mean is that we have a promise for a future. We have a reason to focus on Christ. It means that we can be joyful in all things because of what we have in Him. He will reward us for turning towards Him. I can honestly say that since I decided to turn my life over to what God was calling me to do, my life has been more blessed than ever. I have seen God's work and hand in my life more in the past year than ever before. Don't get me wrong I was blessed by many things in my life. Even when I didn't deserve them, and wasn't following the direction I was supposed to go in. I am so thankful though that I have gotten to experience God's favorable reaction to my obedience to him. So I want to invite you to partake in the favor of the Lord by showing your obedience to him. Turn your focus towards Christ, no matter how close or far away from Him you might be, and you will not be disappointed in the blessings you receive. Show them to the world. Don't be afraid to let the light of Christ shine through you.
Matthew 5:14-16 "You are the light of the world-like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and then puts in under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand where in gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father."
A couple weeks ago, I was getting out of my car at the preschool I work at 2 days a week, and one of my coworkers walked over to the car. This person is someone that I have "known", really more known of, or been acquainted with for several years. I don't really know her that well, but since I have worked at school we have had several conversations. Anyway, she came over because she said she felt like there was something that had been on her heart that she wanted to share with me. She said when she thought of me one word comes to mind. That word was "blessed". She didn't say too much more, just that she wanted me to know that and she thought I had an amazing family.
At first I have to admit I was a little bit taken back. I had to stop and think about it for a minute. And to be perfectly honest with you, I thought to myself, "does she know what I have been through, that's not something you typically say to a person who has lost their son." Then I thought about it more and I realized that wasn't what she meant, or what God was trying to say to me through her. For her to say that about me, she had to think that I thought of myself that way. There had to be something that was obvious to others that I was showing. I do think that I am blessed, but I wasn't sure that I always conveyed that to other people. So I began to realize that maybe being "blessed" has more to do with how you see yourself, and show that to other people, than the circumstances or things you have in your life.
I had been pondering that thought for a while and then I went to church this morning and low and behold what was the sermon about, "a blessed life". I didn't know before hand that that was the topic. I have been very busy lately with all the changes in children's ministry, and our new location that I have not actually been able to attend the church service since February 19th. I am not complaining about that at all, I was exactly where I needed to be, and got much more out of serving my kids. I say that just to say that I think it was not a coincidence that I ended up going to the service today. I just got things under control on the kids side and thought, well I will head down and catch about 10 minutes of the sermon and come back. So I did, and I learned more about what "a blessed life" really is. Here are a few of those things:
1) God wants to bless those who seek his blessings. Those who desire it. He wants to bless us.
2) A blessed life means to experience the favorable reaction of God to obedience. This means you are doing what God called you to do.
3)Therefore it is dependent on being focused on Christ. Focused on the future. Satan wants to get us away from God's favor. Satan's promises of fulfillment are only for today. There is no talk about tomorrow, and the consequences it might bring.
So what does all this mean to me? Well it means that I realize that being blessed is more about being focused on God than focused on my circumstances. Being blessed doesn't mean that you won't have bad circumstances. God sometimes has to use extreme measures to get our attention. Not that that's always the case in every bad situation. It doesn't mean that you will always have as much money as you will like. What it does mean is that we have a promise for a future. We have a reason to focus on Christ. It means that we can be joyful in all things because of what we have in Him. He will reward us for turning towards Him. I can honestly say that since I decided to turn my life over to what God was calling me to do, my life has been more blessed than ever. I have seen God's work and hand in my life more in the past year than ever before. Don't get me wrong I was blessed by many things in my life. Even when I didn't deserve them, and wasn't following the direction I was supposed to go in. I am so thankful though that I have gotten to experience God's favorable reaction to my obedience to him. So I want to invite you to partake in the favor of the Lord by showing your obedience to him. Turn your focus towards Christ, no matter how close or far away from Him you might be, and you will not be disappointed in the blessings you receive. Show them to the world. Don't be afraid to let the light of Christ shine through you.
Matthew 5:14-16 "You are the light of the world-like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and then puts in under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand where in gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father."
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