From birth, to home, back to the hospital, and home again-the details.

Wow what a ride this week has been. I wanted to take a few moments to give those who might be interested all the details of the birth of baby Asher and the events that followed. We are so blessed and happy to have him in our lives. I am going to tell you now that I am sorry if my writing is not up to par. I am working on very little sleep :) Also sorry if this is too much detail for some.

Last Saturday I started feeling a little strange. I had a busy day, and felt very tired and rundown. We got home from the store about 6pm and I had been having contractions on the way home. This was not unusual as I had several contractions most evenings. They continued longer than usual, so about 6:45 I started timing them, and I laid down to try and see if they would go away. They didn't. They were about 5 minutes apart for a few hours, and I finally gave in and called the doctor. Of course she said to come on to the hospital. So after Richie freaked out a little, we finished packing and headed to the hospital. Grant was already asleep so my brother Chase came to stay with him.

We got to the hospital about 11:30pm. My contractions were then about 3 minutes apart. They were not painful at that point. The doctor decided they would not be going away and we would be staying. Fast forward a few hours of constant monitor adjusting, an epidural, and not much sleep. At around 10am (I think) things really started getting painful and I knew it was time for Asher to arrive. He was face up, which I was terrified of since Eli was and almost didn't make it out. But he managed to turn himself around and come out fairly quickly. He was born at 10:32am. Shortly after we had Grant come in to meet him. Let me tell you there is nothing that will ever match that moment. It was love at first sight. Grant has been the perfect big brother. He loves Asher so much. He will just sit and hold him for an hour or more. He has been so helpful and so sweet.

It was such an emotional moment. I was so happy he was here, but also so scared at the same time. There is this part of you that wonders if you can let yourself love a baby the same way as before. I thought I might have a hard time giving myself to him the way I had to Grant and Eli because of my fear of losing him. As soon as I saw him I knew I already did. I loved him more than I ever thought I could. As soon as that set in so did the fear. The fear of what if. What if I lost him too? Could I go on? This fear has been looming in my mind for my entire pregnancy, but it was different to actually see him and feel the fear materialize into something very real. I think every parent worries that something could happen to their child. But to have your worst nightmare come true brings a very real fear because you know just how bad it can be. Despite these feelings, I also felt very blessed. It was such an incredible and happy time.

Things went pretty smoothly after that. We had many of our family and friends come to see us. Asher is a very content baby. Things seemed to be going great. We were discharged from the hospital Tuesday, but the doctor thought maybe he looked a little jaundice and his level was slightly elevated, so she wanted to check it again the next day. We had also already arranged to have an ultrasound of his brain at Kosair just for our peace of mind, so we had his jaundice level checked at the same time. We got home and a couple hours later the doctor called to say his jaundice level was up and he needed lights at home. Well I can't even describe the horror that came over me when she told me this. This was how things started with Eli, we went home one night and had the light bed at home. There was no way I could have that bed with the lights in my house again. I was totally hysterical and the doctor could hardly understand my ranting. She said since he wasn't eating as good as before and with our history she thought it really would be best if we went to Kosair and did the lights there and didn't have to worry; and we would know he was safe there. She really maybe just thought in case the crazy lady on the phone went off the deep end we would already be at a hospital. She was so understanding and sweet. She called ahead to the hospital and told them the situation. Also Richie's cousin Natalie is a doctor at Kosair so she knew the doctors we would have that night and informed them of the situation.

The car ride to the hospital and packing to go back there was one of the most terrifying and emotional times I have ever had. As soon as I hung up the phone with the doctor I ran upstairs to our room and dropped to my knees and begged God not to take him from me. I went through so many emotions and fears during that time. I felt angry with God that he would make us go through this again. Even if everything really was fine, why would we have to be put through this again? Why couldn't everything just be normal? I have said before on here, God is not threatened by our doubts. In fact I think when we come to Him with our honest emotions we can find answers and be truly blessed in a way we might not have been if we weren't honest with Him, or ourselves. After all, He already knows how we really feel anyway. He knows our heart. More on that lesson in a moment.

So, after we arrived to the hospital, the doctors came in and the first thing they said to us was, we just want you to know before we say anything else, the ultrasound of his brain was normal. The weight that was lifted off our shoulders at that moment is indescribable. We burst into tears of joy and thanksgiving. They still wanted to check everything and be completely thorough. They checked his liver, heart, kidneys and several other organs on ultrasound. They ran a slew of blood tests. He was under 2 lights and on a blanket for the jaundice. We saw a kidney, liver, and genetic specialist. I can't thank them enough for everything they did to make sure my baby was ok. Thank you Natalie for ensuring that it was all taken care of. All of the tests came back normal, his jaundice went down and we got to come home Friday.

We came home with a new sense of security. For the first time in 9 months I felt safe knowing he was going to be fine. I always trusted that God would take care of us. But I would be lying if I said I didn't have fears and doubts. I felt guilty for having them, but I couldn't shake the what ifs. So the lesson that I learned? Well there came a point when I knew Asher was fine, that I realized I would not have known if we hadn't been readmitted. I would have wondered, at least for a while, if not for his whole life, what if it's there and they missed it? What if he's not ok? But now because something that I thought was terrible, and the end of the world, we had peace. God knew all along that Asher was fine, but He was gracious enough to show us what we needed to calm our fears. He knew my doubts and my fears and He was not hindered by them. He still showed me that He was with me all along and He was taking care of all of us.

Things could not be better for us right now. We are all home together. We are adjusting to life as a family of 4. Grant is so happy. (He informed me today that we would be having 2 more babies. One boy and one girl. Haha). I feel so complete. This is full circle. Asher isn't the happy ending to a sad story. He is the new beginning of a family that will use the lessons we have learned to share the Lord with everyone we can. God is good. Never forget that He is with you. We are so thankful for the life He has given us.