Helping Those Who Have Experienced Loss


This month as you may or may not know is Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month. I am honoring some of the children I have photographed throughout the month. I am also posting some thoughts I have about loss. 1 in 4 women have experienced a child loss. So chances are you know someone who has. Whether it was a miscarriage, still birth or loss of an infant, it is still someone's child.

I am often asked how to help someone who has lost a child. Here are some things that I have come up with through my own experience and helping others through theirs.

First, everyone's experience is different. Something that helps one person may not help another. So not all of these things apply to everyone. Take the time to assess where your loved one is in the grieving process.

1. Just be there. Sometimes saying nothing is better than saying something that you think might help but really hurts (we will address that more in point 2). This may include just a hug,  just listening if they want to talk, reminding them that you are praying for them. Often times people instinctively shy away from someone who has lost a child especially, because it's hard to talk about, it's uncomfortable. Here's the deal, I realize that it's uncomfortable, it's taboo, it's not at all fun; however don't compound the problem by making them feel isolated. It will make them feel so much better if you still include them in things, don't be afraid to have a cup of coffee and just let them tell you how they are feeling. You don't have to have all the answers, just be there.

2. Think before you speak. There are very few words you can say that are helpful. More often than not, well meaning people say things that are not at all helpful. In fact some of them sting very badly. It is always better to hug and say nothing than it is to say something potentially hurtful. Here are just a few things that are commonly said, that were said to me, that are hurtful.
-"God must have need him/her up there." No, just no. God didn't NEED my babies. He is God for crying out loud. Heaven is a place where those who follow Jesus get to spend eternity. This includes babies. I am thankful that they are in fact in Heaven, but saying God just needed them there isn't helpful.
-"It was God's will for your child to die." First off, let's not pretend to know the will of God. Sometimes He lets us in on His will for our life, but I don't think God told you His will for my baby. Also I don't think it is in God's will for children to die. I think we live in a very fallen and sinful world. It is damaged. There are consequences to that, in this life. God can take any situation and bring good from it, but was this rotten world where babies die His plan, no.
-"You are still young, you will have more children." Unless you can see the future, you don't know if someone will have more children. You don't know the infertility or the struggles they may have had just to have this one. Also, the fact that you can have "more" doesn't take away the loss or the hole that is left by the one you lost.
-"You child is an angel now." This one isn't so much hurtful as in is just wrong. Deceased children (and adults for that matter) don't turn into angels. The Bible lists very specific jobs for angels and what they were created to do. People don't turn into them, they are 2 separate beings. Sometimes parents call children their angels as a sort of "pet name" I think this is different than saying they turned into an angel.
-"Your child is watching over you, or your child wouldn't want you to be sad." I don't think our time in Heaven will be spent watching the horrors of earth. I could be wrong, but it's just my opinion.
-"I know how you feel, I've been there, I know what you're going through." Unless you have lost a child, don't say you know how they feel. Your friend's story, losing your pet, or anything else you might be tempted to compare losing a child to, isn't the same. It isn't helpful. Unless you have actually been there you can't imagine the pain.

3. Remember and acknowledge their child every chance you get. I can't tell you how happy it makes me when someone says my child's name. When they remember it's his birthday, or mention him it makes me feel like they really care. If you skip over the child's birthday, or expect the parent to be ok on that day and ask them to do something, it seems as if you don't care. Like you are saying "well you should be fine by now to go out to eat or hang out on this day". Also if you take the time to talk about them the same way you would their living children, or other children it will mean so much. There are so many great memorial gifts you can give to remind them of their child and show you care. If you google baby loss memorial gifts you can find so many great gifts. These small tokens are great treasures to bereaved parent.

4. Don't expect us to be ok when you think we should. For everyone else life goes back to normal pretty quickly. I can remember watching people thinking, "don't they know what happened to me, they seem normal, but I'm not". Sometimes it takes longer for others. This doesn't mean ignore us all together until you think we are ok. Ask us if we feel like getting out, or if we would like company. Let us know it's ok to not feel normal yet. We might want a break from our sadness and to get out of the house. Or we might want to sit and talk about our child some more. Just take the time to see where we are at. We might not be able to talk about it yet, but one day we will get there.

5. Encourage memory preservation. This is a tough one because not everyone wants it, or thinks they want it. Sometimes it takes a long time to want to look at them, but if pictures are possible encourage they do it. I so badly wish I had more pictures of Eli. That part of why I do what I do at Drops of Hope Photography. Help them get in touch with a photographer or make sure the nurses do hand and feet prints. Sometimes these things aren't possible, but if they are, encourage them, but don't push them. Sometimes it's the last thing they think they want, but later they might wish they had. We cling to every piece of our children we have.

The main thing is just to offer support where you can. You can get them books. My favorite is Safe in the Arms of God by John MacArthur. Just be there when they need you, even though they think they don't. I remember the first time I was by myself after Eli died. I was so scared to be alone. Just be there when you can and let them go down the journey of grief at their own pace. Don't be afraid to talk about Heaven and how wonderful it is there. It is the one comforting fact when you lose a child. Join them on the journey of grief, pick them up when they fall, but never drag them down the road. The journey has many twists and turns, hills and valleys, just ride it out.

“Sorrow is one of the things that are lent, not given. A thing that is lent may be taken away; a thing that is given is not taken away. Joy is given; sorrow is lent. We are not our own, we are bought with a price . . . [Our sorrow] is lent us for just a little while that we may use it for eternal purposes. Then it will be taken away and everlasting joy will be our Father’s gift to us, and the Lord God will wipe away all the tears from off all faces. —Amy Carmichael” 

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