January 3rd, 2014

I hate this. I can't believe I am even typing the words. We lost another baby. That is honestly something I never thought I would say again. I am in shock. I am broken. I am confused. There are so many questions. I am 17 weeks, so why now? So many things to talk about, but not now. I know that one day I will share more details of this nightmare, but for right now I have nothing much to say. I am still processing. I am sitting here in the hospital, broken, confused and angry. I have always been very open and honest about my grief for if nothing else than if it can help one person. I still feel that way. I feel like I will be able to help someone through this. But for now I just need to be angry and broken. I have so many questions, but there is one thing I know for sure. I am not lost. I am not forsaken. There is still a God who loves me, who died for me, and who now is taking care of more of my children than I am. I have 3 babies in Heaven. I look forward to the day that we will all be together again. I am hurt, I am confused, but my faith is not shaken.

I ask that right now please just be in prayer for our family. We don't need anything, and there is nothing anyone can do except pray. Mostly I ask for prayer for Grant. He is heartbroken. He doesn't understand why he has had to lose 2 babies. Thank God he was too young to remember the first miscarriage. He feels the same as we do, confused, hurt and angry. He is only 5 and really can't process all those emotions. I can't make sense of it myself, let alone a 5 year old. This month is going to be especially difficult for us. January holds a lot of pain already. Eli's birthday is just 2 weeks away. We need some time to hurt and grieve. I appreciate everyone's love and support, but just understand if we are not ourself for a while. Please understand if we don't want to go out much, or participate in "normal" functions. If I don't respond to your call, or text, or email, I am sorry. Just know that we love you all and we appreciate all of your kind words and prayers.

We will get through. I am comforted knowing that God is close to the broken hearted. We have two beautiful little miracles at home to be thankful for. They keep us going and give us a reason to go on.

Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."

Oh Lord, our spirits are crushed, thank you for always rescuing us.