Today is January 16th. The day my precious 2nd son was born. The last 2 times his birthday came were different. His first birthday I was pregnant with Asher. Last year we had Asher and Grant and things were ok, better than ok. We were happy again. We could celebrate his birthday and the life he had with joy. Today is different. I am still incredibly thankful for the short life that was such a blessing to us. I am celebrating him. I am happy because I had him; but I also feel sadness. It is hard to separate the two because for one they have always been intertwined. At different times there might have been more of one than the other, but happiness and sadness were always together when it comes to Eli. For now there is sadness again. It feels like the scars of losing him have been ripped open. Losing this baby, Luke, was like losing Eli all over again.
I don't like writing a sad post on Eli's birthday. I would much rather like to tell you about how far we have come and how much his life made such a difference in ours. However I have to be honest about where I am at at the moment. I still feel sad and confused. I don't understand why I have to bury another son. I feel like there is a storm inside me and at times it feels like I am drowning. I struggle to just keep breathing. And then there is the calm, the times of happiness and I almost feel guilty for being happy. To be honest, there are more laughs than tears in our home. I am still blessed beyond my wildest dreams. I have two beautiful babies here that are the reasons I keep going. They are happy. They play and laugh and make us laugh. I am so thankful I have them. I really do try to focus on that. But, I can't help but feel like that's the text book answer. I feel like I am supposed to be perfect at this whole parenting thing. That because I lost a son, I am automatically more grateful and take nothing for granted. This couldn't be further from the truth. I feel so guilty for not being grateful for every moment when I was pregnant. When I was so sick everyday, so tired and unable to do anything that I normally do. I was not always grateful. I am still not always grateful for everything that my kids do. I have moments where they make me angry, and times when I just want to be alone. I am not a perfect mother. Losing Eli and Luke and the others, did not make me a perfect parent. I don't have all the answers that I feel like I should. I still take my kids for granted. And I hate that.
We are so thankful that we have so many people around us that love us. We have had so many kind words, cards, hugs and prayers that we can't count them. For that I am so grateful. However when people come up to love on me and tell me how sorry they are, I feel like I have to make them feel better. I know that sounds strange, but I feel like I have to say that I'm ok, I have two kids at home that I'm so blessed to have. I do feel incredibly blessed to have them. But can I just say that for a moment, I AM NOT OK. I don't feel like I am fine. I don't feel like I want to be happy. I honestly want to crawl in bed and stay there forever.
This, of course is not an option. I have to keep going because of my family, and because I am called to do more than lay in bed and feel sorry for myself. For now it just feels better to say how I feel out loud. In no way am I trying to discourage anyone from talking to me about my babies, or about what happened. It actually makes me feel better when people acknowledge that something happened. It feels good when people let us know that we are loved and you are thinking of us. I don't mind talking about it, especially when I feel like I can help someone else.
This may all sound like a downer. Sorry for that. I wanted to write these things to possibly help someone else, and for my own sanity. It helps me to just pour out how I feel. I also want other people who are hurting to know that they are not alone. That what they feel is normal. I understand that sometimes just getting out of bed is an accomplishment. It is so comforting to me when I read a post that describes exactly how I'm feeling, so if this can help someone else then it was worth it.
So today we celebrated. We made a cake. We celebrate the life of Eli. I can't believe it's been 3 years. We will continue to celebrate Eli's birthday on this day forever. We will celebrate and wait for the day we join them in Heaven. We can celebrate that because of him we changed our lives and decided to serve the Lord with everything we have.
I choose to celebrate Eli's life on his birthday. I don't however want to celebrate his death. This is why I don't celebrate my own birthday. I want to bring this up because I know some of my friends and family don't understand it. For me, that day (my birthday) brings nothing but pain. Although Eli technically died the day after, my birthday was the day we lost him. I can't celebrate that. That date is just a painful reminder of the darkest day of my life. Every time I have to give that date for legal, paperwork, or identification purposes, I feel that pain. I re-live it. For this reason, I don't want cards or presents, or birthday cake. If you feel the need to do something for me, do a nice thing for someone else. Send someone who is sick a card. Pay for a random person's meal. Do something good in the name of Jesus and let me know about it. What a blessing it would be to me to know that because of my son, someone else heard about Jesus.
Thank you for reading this long and some what scatter-brained post. I am sure that one day I will feel normal again. I pray that I will be able to write with more clarity on the situation at some point. Maybe one day I will have all the answers. I think that probably won't happen this side of Heaven. I am not ok, but I am learning to live with it. Thank you for your patience and understanding. Especially my husband. Richie has been so amazing. He has been there for me and taken care of me. I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father who has never left me. He has given His own Son for me.
Eli, I love you and miss you so much. Thank you for what you taught me. I am so grateful that I am your mommy. Happy Birthday sweet boy.
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