Today on the way home the question came that I had been thinking about and dreading the entire time I have been pregnant. Grant asked me on the way home from school "Mommy, is this baby going to heaven or will he get to stay with us?". To say my heart sank would be an understatement. I pretty much had to pick myself up off the road to be able to even answer him. So with the calmest voice I could possibly muster up I said "Honey, that question is not mine to answer. Only God knows the answer and it is up to Him. All we can do is pray for the baby, ask God to let us keep him, and trust that God will be faithful to us and take care of us." He simply said "ok Mommy". Not another word. Not a single doubt or question in his mind. I spoke a little bit before about the faith of a child, but this was a huge reminder for me of the kind of faith that I need to have. That question is one that I have asked myself from the moment I found out I was pregnant. I have faith in God that he will take care of me, but I can't help but think "what if?". Not Grant, he was able to take God at His word (or at least what I have told him of it) and just simply say ok. How many times as adults do we have faith in God about a situation in life, but yet we still question? I don't know about you, but for me I do it everyday. Not just with the baby, but everything. I say, ok I put our finances in God's hands and He will work it out. We are where we believe He wants us to be, and that's all that matters. But then as soon as a problem arises, or things get rough, I am still saying, "What about this Lord, did you consider this?" or "are you sure everything will work out?". Somehow it always does. I have done this with the baby. I think, among many other questions "what if it does happen again, would we survive?". So when Grant can just say "ok" I ask myself why can't I do that? The faith of a child is something we can all learn from. My prayer for myself is that I can learn to just say "ok God, here I am, here's the situation, and I trust the plans You have for me". I do however want to say that I don't feel like doubts are necessarily wrong, or unnatural. Questions make us search for answers. When we question God and He answers, it reassures our faith in Him and reminds us that He is in control. God is big enough and strong enough to handle our doubts. He is not threatened by them.
So here's some updates on how things are going so far. First of all I want to say, I am happy, I am blessed and my life is exactly where is should be right now. I realize that there are many couples out there who can't get pregnant, and the fact that I have gotten pregnant 4 times is such a miracle and a blessing. I don't want anything I put on here to be seen as complaining. I like to let people know how we are doing, and what I am thinking and feeling because I feel like there are people out there who might benefit from it. I hope that it helps people. That's my goal with this blog. With that said I want to let you know some of the things that are going on in the pregnancy and such. First off, I am so thankful that I have been able to enjoy this pregnancy so far. I haven't been as sick as I was with the other 2 boys, and I feel better. I think I have a better attitude in general, but physically it seems to be going smoother than my pregnancy with Eli. I have been having lots of extra monitoring. I have had an ultrasound at every Dr's appointment so far. There isn't really anything they can look for, I think they just want to give me as much reassurance as possible. These tests will only increase as time goes on. I am so thankful to report that everything is looking awesome so far. The baby is looking healthy and growing like a little weed. It's a boy by the way, if you didn't see my Facebook posts. How do I feel about having another boy? Well surprisingly ok. Of course I am extremely grateful for any child, so the sex just seems so irrelevant. I just told Richie this means we have to have another one after this to try and get a girl :) We'll see about that.
There is though, this side of pregnancy that I wasn't really expecting. Pregnancy after a loss is sort of a strange feeling. I wasn't prepared for how much each thing that happens in regards to being pregnant would remind me of Eli. The first time I got out my maternity clothes I just sat on the floor in a pile of clothes sobbing because every piece reminded me of him. I would think "this is what I was wearing when we found out he was a boy" or " this is what I was wearing when I went to the hospital". Every time I feel this baby kick I think of him. I think of how I used to just sit and wait for him to start kicking and how it would keep me up at night. When we have ultrasounds it always reminds me of the many times I saw Eli on ultrasounds. These memories are a mix of happy and sad. It makes me happy to remember some things I had forgotten, but also sad that he isn't here. I have a feeling that the whole pregnancy and birth will be like this. It is hard, but I am ok with it. It's just one of those things that is naturally going to happen. It is a small price to pay for the little life that will come out of the pain.
So that's the story of what's been happening with us lately. As always thanks for reading and I pray you got something out of it.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." Proverbs 3:5-6
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