Before I sat down to write this post tonight I read the post that I wrote last year on Eli's birthday. Much has changed in the last year. We have made so many changes in the time since we had Eli it feels like so long ago. Yet it seems like only yesterday. When I read my post from last year, I realize how far the Lord had brought me, how much He has healed me. Overall in the last year God has done amazing things in my life. God gave us Asher, which has helped restore the joy back to our hearts. I still have those feelings of missing Eli. Especially today on his birthday. I want to hold him and love him and tell him happy birthday. However, I now realize that does not define me. For such a long time I was scared to let go of the pain because I felt like I was letting go of him. I was worried that without the pain I had nothing. But I know that isn't true. I have Christ. That has to be what defines me. I had to make the choice that losing my son would not define my life. Some days I do better at that than others. I spoke a little about this tonight in my women's bible study. The lesson this week was about our identity and what defines us. This lesson really hit home with me. I have really learned over the last year that God has to be what defines us because everything else can fade away and if that is what defined us then we have nothing left. If being a wife, mother, father, husband, good at our job, etc. is what defines you then what is left if all that is stripped away? God has used my sweet little one to teach me so much. This lesson is one in a long journey; of which the Lord has taken every step with me.
Today my baby would be 2 years old. I want to celebrate his life and all it gave to us. In such a short time he changed so much in us. God completely changed the course of our lives through this little boy. We are both in ministry full time now. I work part time at church, and no longer work at school so that I could focus on my family and my ministry. We moved to the parsonage at church so we could be in the community and better serve the Lord here. We have dedicated our lives to the Lord. We don't always do a good job at remembering why it is we do what we do, but we strive to serve Him to the best of our abilities. This is the best way I can honor my son, to honor the Son that was given up for me. God freely gave up His son for me. I could never do the same. So by praising the Lord with my life I can make sure my son did not die in vain. My prayer for all who read this is that you see the Lord in my life, that you see a follower of Christ, not just a mother who lost a son. If my story stops there I have missed the point, missed the mark.
I hope to be more faithful with writing and updating you more on Asher's condition and on our family. Now that I have more time I should be able to do that. Thanks for those who are still sticking with me and reading.
Happy Birthday sweet boy. I know you are having the best birthday party ever in Heaven. Grant, your daddy and I miss you so much and we love you.
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