Two weeks ago we received a phone call that left me confused, scared, and thankful. It was our pediatrician telling us that the results of Eli's autopsy were back from London. We had already heard from him about a month before when he told us that no one in the United States could figure out what happened to him, so they had to send the information to a pathologist in London, England.
The pathologist said that basically he couldn't figure it out either. There were a few things he knew for sure, but not the real cause. He knew it was genetic. He knew it was not something that Grant could have (which was our main concern). He also knew that it was so rare that it had never been seen before. We don't know all of the details because we haven't met with the pediatrician to go over the full autopsy yet; but in the meantime he wanted us to go have a genetic screening done to see if they could find out any more information from us. He said they would try to isolate some recessive gene that Richie and I both have that could have caused it. If they find it then they will test Grant to see if it might be possible that his children could be affected.
The other purpose of the testing is to see if what happened to Eli could happen again. That thought terrifies me. It also made me wonder how it is possible to have one child who is perfectly healthy, and have something so tragically wrong with the other. It doesn't make sense to me. However it also made me very thankful for Grant. I thank God everyday for blessing me with such a perfect and beautiful child.
So where does all this leave me right now, at this moment? All I am left with is trust. Trust that God has a plan for me. Trust that He knows best and that He will always be with me, no matter what, whatever the outcome. Richie and I now know that we do want another child. We long for another child, a sibling for Grant. With that desire, let me tell you it is not always easy to trust God. I sit and think about how I will feel if they tell us that there is a chance it could happen again. And in that moment it is not easy to just say "Ok God it is all in Your hands". But that is what we have to do. Even when it is something that seems so complex like genetics, something completely out of our hands, we have to give it up to God. After all isn't He the one who created us and made our genes anyway? I don't know about you, but it's easy for me to SAY that I have put things in God's hands, but not so easy to actually do. What does it really mean to trust God. For most people, I think trust is not in our nature. For me anyway, I want to analyze everything. I want to ask questions. I want to know why, what, and how. I think trusting God means not worrying so much about the answers to those questions. It is having a peace about the outcome. We still pray about it and we still have hope that things will turn out like we plan; but at the end of the day we are at peace because we know that God is with us no matter what.
It is a little easier to trust God when I think about how much He trusts me. Everything we have in our life is something God entrusted us with. God entrusts us with the jobs we have. I have to wonder, what am I doing to live up to that trust? Have I made a difference at my work, have I fulfilled my purpose there? God has trusted us with the money we have. What have we done to live up to that trust with our finances?
I think the biggest thing God trusted me with was being a mother. He gave me two of His children to love and care for. That is a huge responsibility. When Eli died, at first I asked why? I wanted to know why this happened to me? It was hard to not look at other people who are not good parents, or who didn't even want a baby, or maybe even abuse their child and wonder why they got to keep their baby, but mine had to die. Then I realized that those thoughts were lies from Satan trying to bring me down. I now thank God just for giving me Eli. He loved me so much that He trusted me with a beautiful sweet little life, even though it was a short one. He gave me this situation, and what I make of it is up to me. All day while we were at Kosair God gave me a peace which I can't really describe. He carried me through the toughest day of my life, and all the while he was telling me that Eli's life would mean something; no matter how short, that it would have an impact on this world. I believe that God trusted me with such a delicate matter, and what I do with it is up to me. It is up to me to make a difference, to make something good out of a terrible tragedy. Not that I could say that if I could have him back that I wouldn't choose that in a second. I know that I have the opportunity to make his death mean something. To make his life worth something; and that is why I made this blog. This is my first step towards that. If I can encourage people and help them, then that is my purpose. That will give meaning to my son's life. Then I might live up to what God has trusted me with.
So what has God trusted you with that you need to live up to? I challenge you to really think about that. If you really look at your life as a gift given to you with the hopes that you do something with it, then you will be changed. I know I have been. My life is definitely a work in progress, and in no way am I am saying that I am an expert. I am just someone who has an experience to share. And remember that no matter what is going on in your life that there is a peace available to you. If you can just truly let it go and trust God.
If you remember, say a prayer for us tomorrow (Monday) at 1:00pm. That is our appointment time at the genetics counselor. Thanks for reading!!
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." Matthew 6:34
No comments