The Journey Continues



So many of you have followed me along this journey since we lost Eli in 2011. I can't believe in January, 4 years will have gone by. 4 years without him. 4 years since my life changed completely, since I changed. I wanted to share this part of the journey with you also. On December 5th I had the honor of photographing my first hospital session. (You can read more about what I am doing with my photography ministry here.) It truly was an honor for me to serve this family and do one small thing to help them in the darkest day of their life. I am sharing this story with the permission of the family of this precious child. The picture above is one that I took of their sweet baby. I have their permission to share it.

Richie's cousin JT's wife Natalie, who is a doctor at Kosair, sent me a text to let me know that there could be a family who would like photos taken of their child soon. I immediately starting praying and asking God for the strength to do what I knew He wanted me to do. It's amazing how you sometimes just know you are doing the will of God. I was completely comfortable knowing that I was at exactly the point in my life He wanted me to be, even though I felt unable, and unprepared for such a huge responsibility. I was confident that His strength would get me through, but I was still anxious. After all, if this is the last chance this family has to take pictures of their precious boy, what if I didn't do a good job? It is a huge responsibility and honor to me to be asked to capture these pictures that will be priceless to them.

There was a huge lump in my throat all the way to the hospital. I knew I was going to the PICU at Kosair, the very same place my son died. I also knew that I was going to watch another family experience the same pain. All I could do the whole ride there and all the time I waited when I got there, was pray. Sometimes I didn't even have the words to say, but I knew God knew what was on my heart.

When I arrived I was able to meet the parents and talk to them a little about our son's story, and the story of how God changed my life through his death. They appreciated the fact that I knew what they were going through. I asked if they had any questions for me, and they asked me a few, the first being, "how did we get through it". In a way I was so glad they asked that question. It's one I get a lot. I love that though that question I have had many conversations about God's goodness. It was only Him who got us through. It was only through Him that I was able to survive. I pray everyday that that sweet momma holds close to Him to get her through it too.

I waited in the hospital, while they prepared to say goodbye to their precious 4 week old, little son. I sat only a few feet away from the room where I held Eli when he took his last breath. I could not help but sit and think about the irony of God. When I left that hospital the day Eli died, I thought to myself, "I will never come back to this place". Richie had been back the same year after Eli died, to the same place to visit a friend who lost his grandson there. Then I thought "how could he go back there? I will never go back there". Then only a few days after Asher was born he got sick, and there we were back at Kosair. I had no choice, I had to go. Over the next year of dealing with his genetic condition (more on that here) I went back many times, and I grew more and more comfortable with it, but I never had to return to the PICU, thank God. Now here I was staring at that same room. There were times during the 4 hours I was there with this family that I thought I might fall apart. I shared every moment of their pain. I often relived the pain that I felt when we lost Eli. I thought I wouldn't be able to do it. I didn't do it, God did. It was His strength and He brought me there. I was able to be with this sweet family as their son took his last breaths. If someone had told me 4 years ago that I would have been where I am today I would not have thought it possible. I know by now that with God anything is possible.

I am not sharing this story to say good about what I have done. I want to help others because of what God has done for me. This is all about His redemption story. I believe He came redeem any circumstance. I want to share that with everyone I can. Especially those who have felt the pain that I have felt. It is a pain that can sometimes feel so strong and so tight, like a noose around your neck. But God can redeem your pain because there is hope. I pray that I shared that hope with this family. I want to continue this ministry to share the hope and light of Jesus with the families that need it the most. The ones that are surrounded with the darkness of this world. It wasn't easy, and I have thought about them everyday since. However, I am confident that if this is what God wants me to do He will equip me to do it. Thank you to this family that allowed me to be a part of their journey. They are now woven into mine. Please know that you are in my prayers everyday, and I will always be here if you need anything. Glory to the One Who Redeems!

"But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you.
    O Israel, the one who formed you says,
“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
    I have called you by name; you are mine.
When you go through deep waters,
    I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
    you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
    you will not be burned up;
    the flames will not consume you.
For I am the Lord, your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior..
...you are precious to me.
    You are honored, and I love you."

Isaiah 43:1-4

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