So, today we had a meeting with our pediatrician to go over Eli's autopsy. And when I say "go over" I mean every single excruciating word and detail in the report. I have to say thank you so much to Dr. Mescia for taking 2 hours out of your day to talk to us. You are awesome and we really appreciate it. He explained every detail of the 11 page report to us. While it was necessary to discuss the details of what occurred, it was not easy. No one wants to hear those things about your child. I don't want to think of them. I don't want to know how much my baby's heart weighed or hear the "medical" descriptions of the way he looked. I know how he looked, beautiful and full of life. That is the way I want to think of him. I will save you the 11 pages of details that we heard, but what it all comes down to is that they don't know the cause of what happened; which we already knew. However we did get some things off our mind that we had been wondering, and needed to know in order to move on.
The most prominent question in my mind was, was there any thing that I did or didn't do that could have caused this. The answer he gave was, without a doubt, no. That made me feel a little better. Even though I couldn't change anything now, I just wanted to know that there wasn't something I could have done different.
The other main question we had was when/if we have another baby, what courses of action would be taken to make sure that baby was ok. He said the only thing we could really do was an ultrasound of the baby's brain right after he/she was born just to make sure there were no bleeds or abnormalities, and to ease our minds. They feel like the liver was probably the main cause of what happened to Eli, but unfortunately short of biopsying the liver there is nothing more they could test the baby than the normal things they test for (which were all negative in Eli). Doing a liver biopsy on the baby would be too dangerous, so that is not an option. However Dr. Mescia agrees that there is little chance this could happen again. He believes it was just that "strike of lightning" that would not happen twice. That we have no more odds of this happening again than anyone who gets pregnant.
We also wanted to know if they had found this sooner if there was anything that could have been done. The answer there was no, not really. There were so many problems going on that even if he had survived one, the other would have still would have taken him from us.
The biggest thing that I got out of the meeting was the answer to my question about the timing of how everything happened. He said there were some problems he felt had already been developing in the womb. So I asked, was being born a kick-start to all of it, or would it have happened at the same time regardless of whether he had been born yet or not. The answer was yes it would have still happened even if he wasn't born yet. He felt like if he was born 3 or 4 weeks later like he was supposed to be, he would not have been alive. That fact shook me to my core. Tears of thankfulness streamed down my face. How amazing is it that we got to spend that week with him, alive and well? It is nothing short of a miracle that he was 4 weeks early, yet still 7lbs 11oz. He was not "premature", he was born exactly when God intended him to be. I am so thankful to God that he gave us to him, even if it was for a short time. We got to know him, love him, hold him, and laugh at him. He got to spend time with his big brother and most of the family. What a blessing! While it made it extremely difficult, I wouldn't trade that time for anything in the world. God is so wonderful. How great is it that he allowed me to see a blessing, even through all the tears!!
So, where do we go from here? Well not really sure yet. I don't feel like searching for more answers would
benefit at this point, and Dr. Mescia agreed. He is going to ask a liver specialist he knows, just so we have covered all the bases, but he feels like if there was something to be found they would have found it already. So now we wait. We wait and we pray for guidance from God. I have a peace about our future. I can't really explain it. I know it is from God. I feel safe knowing that our future is in his hands. I know that through one way or another Grant will have a sibling one day. God will provide. We just have to be patient (something that is not always easy for me, so say a prayer for my patience!!) and faithful knowing that God hears our prayers.
After that we had some family pictures taken by Lizzie Loo Photography (Elizabeth Lauer). Thanks so much to Elizabeth, she was amazing. Grant was a little timid and whiny at first (he fell asleep on the way), but she was so great with him. They were best friends by the time we left. We had so much fun. However, it was a little bittersweet to me. There was a noticeable absence. There will forever be a hole in our family. We feel like a family of 4, not 3. So it's tough to do something where you can see that hole so vividly like in a picture. Still I am so glad we did it. They will be so awesome.
Thanks everyone for reading. Hope you were reminded that God is Great!! I thank Him and praise Him for all the blessings He has given me. I hope you do too. Even when your life seems so dark, there is light. You just have to want to see it.
Psalm 84:6 "When they walk through the valley of weeping, it would become a place of refreshing springs. The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings." NLT
This makes me smile. Not because I feel the events have not been traumatic and trying for you all, but because I see the peace that has surrounded you. You might not feel it all the time, but I hear it in your words. I know your pictures will beautiful!!
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